i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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