i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
