I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
