i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Someone came in the potted fern
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
