I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
