You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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