dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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