Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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