Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
