that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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