i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
