You're completely useless in the revolution.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
