so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
