sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
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