I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
