At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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