I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
