I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
