Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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