I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
