I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
