so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
