Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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