1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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