wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize