You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
