i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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