god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
