I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
