it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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