I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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