I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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