when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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