So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
