True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
