The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
