she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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