I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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