I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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