remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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