it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I want you more than these girls want KFC
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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