What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
