why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
