the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
