OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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