If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
This is the high leading the old right now
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
