This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
