I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Be still, my beating vagina.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
