yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
