She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
