Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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