remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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