saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You need Xanax blowdarts
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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