I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
