we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize