I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
