seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
