That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
