I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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