Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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