I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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