sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
