omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I pour the whiskey from now on
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
