when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
